I just listened to this album all the way through while doing chores.  What a great record!  I must be in a great mood today- everything is so wonderful.

I've met someone.  I'm dating a great guy and it's starting to go places.  This is uncharted territory for little old, totally sheltered, relationship-phobic me but I must say it's pretty dang awesome! 

I'm kind of over blogging right now. I don't find it nearly as rewarding or amusing as I did, say, six to eight months ago. Which isn't to say I won't update my LJ or blog ever again, but it's beginning to feel like a chore every time I start to write something. Call me a snob, but lately I've found the vast majority of internet discourse to be unsatisfying. A wall of noise and static without a center. Plus, with so many big changes coming in my life (school, possibly a new job) I have been directing my energy elsewhere for quite awhile. Something's gotta give, right?

I can think of no other way to describe my tennis season.  It's been an absolute nightmare, so much so that I don't know if I will continue playing this summer.  I am 1-4 in USTA and I just traveled to San Francisco only to lose horribly in doubles at the United States Gay Open.  If you recall, last year at this same tournament I was in the last 16 in singles.  I am miserable playing tennis, fat and out of shape and just not really having any fun.  I seriously doubt I could beat a double amputee right now.

I committed to playing doubles at the Seattle tournament in July but I am seriously considering not entering and just going away for the weekend.  There's a lot going on right now- I got accepted into graduate school at Seattle U and I'm debating whether or not to stay at my current job- so I haven't had as much mental energy to invest in tennis lately.  The funk I've been in since my birthday only seems to be getting stronger so my confidence and my mood are at record low levels.  It might be time to call the crazy doctor for some stronger crazy pills.

Is a tennis sabbatical in order?  One of the big things that keeps me playing is that it's my only real consistent form of exercise, but now I have Wii Fit, so...

After my group interview today at Seattle University, I feel that I have a spiritual connection with Miss South Carolina.  That was just about the most tense and uncomfortable hour of my entire life which says a lot considering what I do for a living.

If it wasn't for the lovely sight of Starbucks Boy, I'd be going KRAZEE right about now.  He's so damn cute!

My group interview portion of the graduate school application process is scheduled for tomorrow at 10am.  The letter I received last week said there was no need to prepare for the interview or the essay portion that comes afterward.  Basically I'm nervous because I don't really know what to expect.  I did, however, get some good advice from a friend: "Don't be an asshole."

On a somewhat related note, this image from a google image search of "seattle university" was definitely my favorite:

I lost tonight 7-5, 1-6, 0-1 (7-10) in an excellent singles match that I had on my racket.  I was up 7-3 in the super tiebreaker, made a bad decision where I played a ball that was clearly out, and then proceeded to lose the next six points and the match.  My opponent was very, very good- and he definitely deserved to win- but I choked.  I'm now 0-3 for the season.  I feel totally, totally awful and I want to cry.

Keep Your Eyes Ahead by The Helio Sequence.  It's amazing and I can't stop listening to it. 

Two posts tonight- woo hoo!  I haven't done that for awhile...

So I've had a tough couple of months.  I have been very depressed since shortly after my birthday.  It's been nearly debilitating.  I've had all the classic signs: gross overeating, wild fluctuations in my sleep patterns, chronic fatigue, zero productivity at work, isolation, (mild) drug use and very, very negative thoughts.  To tell the truth I think I've been in a depressive pattern since right after I got home from Prague but it's been unbearable since the beginning of February. 

Two weeks ago, I had a cathartic therapy session that broke things open and since then I feel like I've been slowly getting better.  This week we talked about my inner voice, the one that constantly tells me I'm no good and whose purpose is to shield me from any pain that could be caused by other people.  The thing that has caused me to be alone, draws me to unavailable men I can't have and protects me from failure.  My therapist asked me to think about it as a lizard on my shoulder that whispers to me, but instead I adopted the spider as my symbol (I was bit by one in college before after all).  He told me not to kill the spider; rather to send it into retirement, off to a sunny place somewhere to spend the rest of its days while I heal and move forward.  It's done it's job and protected me but it's time for it to go.  So I decided to send my spider to Maui, specifically to the Sheraton resort on Kaanapali Beach.  I hope he has fun there, does a little golfing.

Meanwhile I've got work to do.  I feel like I've lost these last 5-6 months, especially after having such a fabulous summer and fall last year.  Surely it's hard to beat a trip to Europe, but I didn't expect to crash this hard.  Still, I remain hopeful.  Do I really have a choice?

So is it wrong that one of the highlights of my work week is going to a Starbucks in Auburn and being served by a cute, Emo jock boy who is probably 19 years old? He was sweeping the floor around me just now and my private area tingled a little. I need help.

I just did a google image search of the word "depression" and this was my favorite of the images that came up:



I think that sums it up pretty nicely, actually.

P.S. Sorry if I've been hard to reach or no fun lately. I've been in a MAJOR funk. But don't worry, I'm increasing my therapy sessions to one a week and calling my Psychiatrist and Personal Trainer. Things are going to get better (I hope).

Last Friday I got my paycheck and my tax refund- something like $2200- deposited into my bank account and ever since then I've been having these uncontrollable thoughts about spending the money.  On Saturday night patafamilias and I went to Target and Best Buy and I was this close to buying an $800 HDTV.  Luckily for my wallet, the Samsung model I liked was out of stock and the store wasn't going to get another one (literally- they are only going to have one on the floor) for about a week.  I was able to dodge that bullet.

However, I am still being consumed by the desire to buy another game console.  All day I sit at my desk at work or in my car and ask myself whether I want a or a  when in reality I can't afford either and my Nintendo Wii satisfies almost all of my gaming needs.  I spend most of days feeling like a crackhead needing his next fix, except instead of crack I want electronics.  Grand Theft Auto IV is coming out next month and despite my disdain for the content of these games (they've really messed with a lot of my clients' heads over the years) I really, really want to play it when it comes out and it's only coming for 360 and PS3.  That sounds like a good reason to plunk $500 on a new game machine, right?

But the real reason I want a new console is so I can add to my collection of gadget boxes that I have in my bedroom closet.  My box collection totally rules and it corresponds with my collections of refrigerator magnets and matchbooks!  Yeah, I collect geeky things- gotta problem with that?  Do you? 

The USTA season starts for me this Friday night.  We have a match in Everett at 8:30pm.  This will be our team's second match (we lost the first 1-4) but my first as I sat out the match due to my back problems.  Now that my back feels better I've been practicing 3-4 each week for the last couple of weeks to get ready.  I'm hitting the ball very, very well.  Maybe better than ever.  I had a practice match tonight in singles that I won 6-0, 6-1.  The best part was that I did not double fault for the entire match!  I don't remember that ever happening.  I'm hoping to play singles this Friday, but if I have to play doubles I'll be alright with that too.  Now I just have to lose the weight I gained in Hawaii so I can be invincible! 

I am applying to the Masters in Community Counseling program at Seattle University and I sent off the application packet today (it's due Thursday).  I've decided to become a grad student.

The reason?  I need to make more money, honestly.  And I decided that I no longer want to feel stuck in a job where I have no possible chance of promotion due to my lack of education.  I never thought I would be considered uneducated, but I am in this field.  Occasionally, people make a big deal out of it and those instances really hurt.  So here we go.  The application was completed and turned in.  A panel interview would be next.

Despite the fact that I graduated with honors from the UW with two bachelor's degrees and have over 15,000 hours of social service experience I am still very, very worried that I won't be accepted into the program.  If I do end up getting in, I suspect I'll feel more relieved than happy.  I hope I'm making the right decision...

...happens to be my spine which I learned today is not a good thing (a healthy spine has a "C"-like curvature) and can explain the debilitating back spasms I have been experiencing since I returned home from Hawaii.  I'm not sure what triggered the back spasms (I suspect it was the awkward sleeping position I was in the other night) but my Chiropractor suggests all of the driving I do for my job is likely the major culprit.  In order to realign my spinal column I have to visit the Chiropractor 3 times a week for the next 4 weeks.  Should be back and neck- cracking fun!

If you've never had back spasms before, you're lucky.  This seriously has been two days of the most unbearable pain I've ever had in my life.  If it wasn't for patafamilias and his magic hands (and magic Oxycontin), I think I'd still be on the floor writhing in agony!

Aloha from sunny Hawaii! I've been here for almost eight days, arriving last Monday. Since then it's been beach, beach, beach with a long drive through the rainforest on the Road to Hana in between.  The weather has been amazing, the beaches magnificent.  It really is paradise.  So why am I so bummed out?

I spent most of the day alone, thinking, so I have some ideas.  My original thought was that I'm just not a beach and sun person but I don't think that's entirely true.  The problem is that I have been ultra self-conscious since I started having to take my shirt off.  The truth of the matter is that I am totally not comfortable with my body, especially in its current state.  I've let myself go in the last couple of months, after spending a good part of last summer working really hard with a personal trainer and playing tons of tennis and I do feel bad about that.  But it goes deeper than that I think.

I've never been comfortable in my own skin.  I have a terrible relationship with my body and I don't treat it well.  Somehow I've just never been able to accept that I wasn't born tall, lean, blue eyed... basically that I'm not an Abercrombie & Fitch model.  I spent much of my adolescence and early adulthood silently resenting this fact.  I have never felt like I could measure up in the gay world.  When I was 22-23 I worked out a lot in a futile attempt to attract a very cute, probably straight, Christian guy I knew in college and when I look back at pictures of me at that time I think now that I looked really good.  Why wasn't I getting laid everyday? I wonder.  Back then, despite my best efforts, I still thought I was ugly and I haven't been able to shake this.

So here I am.  In Hawaii, in paradise, the land of the lean, tan, surfer and I'm having an ugly crisis.  Thank God I'm in therapy.  I'm guessing we're going to have a lot to talk about next time I see him.

P.S. I took that picture- isn't it pretty?

It was at Nectar in Fremont. Apparently there was a band. I don't remember that at all.

I swear in all of the pictures I have both my eyes closed and my mouth wide open. Very flattering.

Atta, me and Shannon:



Carolyn, Kiki, me, Mandy and Andrea


Ingrid, me, Emily, Ryan and Lisa


Me, Nikisha, Becky and Amanda


Apparently there was a band playing or something...


Embracing my long lost friend Jen


David, me, Kevin, Kerry and Michelle


Atta, Jill, Tana, me and Donny


Mathilda, me and Merrill

and last but not least...


The Cab Ride of SHAME!

Thanks patafamilias for taking pictures!

So maybe that's being a little dramatic, but with one click of the mouse I managed to erase my entire music library from my iPod. I hooked it up to my computer to install a software update and was hoping to upload some new music I just added to my computer. I clicked "Sync Playlist- Recently Added" thinking that would only upload the music I just put on my hard drive and before I knew it, all of the music except for a handful of new songs vanished from my iPod. All my Playlists, my play counts, my podcasts and TV shows all gone... *Poof*- goodbye!

To make matters worse, my 30GB 5th Generation iPod can no longer accommodate my entire music collection so I'm in the unenviable position of having to pick and choose what songs make the cut. And having to wade through over 6800 songs to find my 100 least favorite tunes is becoming rather time consuming. Looks like I may need to upgrade to the iPod Classic after all.

I'm about to leave home for my 30th Birthday Party! I don't know yet where it is going to be or what is planned. secretsouth and patafamilias planned the party for me and wanted to keep the details a secret. I hope there are male strippers!

I think between 50-60 people will be there. And although I have had some anxiety about gathering so many of my (local) friends together in one place (awkward!), I think it'll be fun. Hooray for me! 30 is the new 21!

I want love in my life.  I really do.

Match.com sent me an email with "my matches" just now, all faces I've seen before and none of them like me.  I get this email twice a week.  So far after two years of having a profile on Match I've had a total of one (very awkward) date.  I'm beginning to think it's impossible for me to meet compatible men in Seattle unless they're (1) taken or (2) "straight."  Perhaps I'm just being cynical.  I mean, there's such a hot gay scene in this city (yeah right)!

I've often wondered if I'm not desperate enough.  Maybe I'm too good at living without. 

No matter, I'm playing fantastic tennis these days.