I'm kind of over blogging right now. I don't find it nearly as rewarding or amusing as I did, say, six to eight months ago. Which isn't to say I won't update my LJ or blog ever again, but it's beginning to feel like a chore every time I start to write something. Call me a snob, but lately I've found the vast majority of internet discourse to be unsatisfying. A wall of noise and static without a center. Plus, with so many big changes coming in my life (school, possibly a new job) I have been directing my energy elsewhere for quite awhile. Something's gotta give, right?
- Current Mood: blah
- Current Music:Goldfrapp- "Clowns"
I can think of no other way to describe my tennis season. It's been an absolute nightmare, so much so that I don't know if I will continue playing this summer. I am 1-4 in USTA and I just traveled to San Francisco only to lose horribly in doubles at the United States Gay Open. If you recall, last year at this same tournament I was in the last 16 in singles. I am miserable playing tennis, fat and out of shape and just not really having any fun. I seriously doubt I could beat a double amputee right now.
I committed to playing doubles at the Seattle tournament in July but I am seriously considering not entering and just going away for the weekend. There's a lot going on right now- I got accepted into graduate school at Seattle U and I'm debating whether or not to stay at my current job- so I haven't had as much mental energy to invest in tennis lately. The funk I've been in since my birthday only seems to be getting stronger so my confidence and my mood are at record low levels. It might be time to call the crazy doctor for some stronger crazy pills.
Is a tennis sabbatical in order? One of the big things that keeps me playing is that it's my only real consistent form of exercise, but now I have Wii Fit, so...
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Muse- "Time is Running Out"
After my group interview today at Seattle University, I feel that I have a spiritual connection with Miss South Carolina. That was just about the most tense and uncomfortable hour of my entire life which says a lot considering what I do for a living.
If it wasn't for the lovely sight of Starbucks Boy, I'd be going KRAZEE right about now. He's so damn cute!
- Current Location:Starbucks: 1420 Harvey Rd. NE Auburn, WA 98002
- Current Mood: distressed
- Current Music:Gnarls Barkley- "Crazy"
My group interview portion of the graduate school application process is scheduled for tomorrow at 10am. The letter I received last week said there was no need to prepare for the interview or the essay portion that comes afterward. Basically I'm nervous because I don't really know what to expect. I did, however, get some good advice from a friend: "Don't be an asshole."
On a somewhat related note, this image from a google image search of "seattle university" was definitely my favorite:
- Current Mood: anxious
- Current Music:Lauryn Hill- "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill"
I lost tonight 7-5, 1-6, 0-1 (7-10) in an excellent singles match that I had on my racket. I was up 7-3 in the super tiebreaker, made a bad decision where I played a ball that was clearly out, and then proceeded to lose the next six points and the match. My opponent was very, very good- and he definitely deserved to win- but I choked. I'm now 0-3 for the season. I feel totally, totally awful and I want to cry.
- Current Mood: crushed
- Current Music:Beck- "Loser"
So I've had a tough couple of months. I have been very depressed since shortly after my birthday. It's been nearly debilitating. I've had all the classic signs: gross overeating, wild fluctuations in my sleep patterns, chronic fatigue, zero productivity at work, isolation, (mild) drug use and very, very negative thoughts. To tell the truth I think I've been in a depressive pattern since right after I got home from Prague but it's been unbearable since the beginning of February.
Two weeks ago, I had a cathartic therapy session that broke things open and since then I feel like I've been slowly getting better. This week we talked about my inner voice, the one that constantly tells me I'm no good and whose purpose is to shield me from any pain that could be caused by other people. The thing that has caused me to be alone, draws me to unavailable men I can't have and protects me from failure. My therapist asked me to think about it as a lizard on my shoulder that whispers to me, but instead I adopted the spider as my symbol (I was bit by one in college before after all). He told me not to kill the spider; rather to send it into retirement, off to a sunny place somewhere to spend the rest of its days while I heal and move forward. It's done it's job and protected me but it's time for it to go. So I decided to send my spider to Maui, specifically to the Sheraton resort on Kaanapali Beach. I hope he has fun there, does a little golfing.
Meanwhile I've got work to do. I feel like I've lost these last 5-6 months, especially after having such a fabulous summer and fall last year. Surely it's hard to beat a trip to Europe, but I didn't expect to crash this hard. Still, I remain hopeful. Do I really have a choice?
- Current Mood:awake
- Current Music:The Helio Sequence- "Don't Look Away"
So is it wrong that one of the highlights of my work week is going to a Starbucks in Auburn and being served by a cute, Emo jock boy who is probably 19 years old? He was sweeping the floor around me just now and my private area tingled a little. I need help.
- Current Mood: devious
- Current Music:The Helio Sequence- "You Can Come to Me"